here I stand

hello again, friend of a friend. my blogging style for the last two years or so has been pretty much that of an eff-boy. just when you start to get over me, I send you a winky face text to give you just enough hope to last you until the next time you've almost given up on me.

well that breakfast burrito isn't the only thing you gonna see twice, it's me. Olivia. hey how are ya. 

Olivia! where have you been?!

I been right here, baby. just being lazy af. if you want constant and sometimes annoying updates on me hmu on my twitter always. also peach. it's a ~new~ social media app on the rise and I really want it to be a thing. it's pretty much all social media apps in one. it's where I go when I want to spam the Internet without losing followers. download it and add me. @ viapetty. 

what have you been up to?!

adult coloring books. I don't care about the preconceived notions of how basic that is. it's fun. also I do embroidery. I party. and by party I mean mostly go to the gym in the mornings, and watch movies with Talia. and Matt. I've been desperately hurting pretty hard over Shaylee leaving on her mission. on January 6th she went into the MTC to prepare to serve in the Texas Houston east mission.

I've wept. a lot.

but I am so insanely proud of her and so inspired by her example to me.

are you going to school? do you have a job?

no. I'm living at home, I'm my moms full time caregiver. I help out here with errands, appointments, and I help pack and ship out stuff my dad sells online. so I still help bring home the bacon. I win the bread. gettin mad cheddar. making that green lettuce. I bring the whole sandwich to the table. 

are you still planning to serve a mission? 

yes. one thousand percent yes. and I'm finally gaining traction. I think I'm finally stable on the right mix of medications, my doctors are ready to sign off. right now I just gotta go and get some blood work done, talk to an insurance agent, and send those bad boy papers in(!).

hopefully I'll be able to keep the good news rolling in. until next time. xoxo. lazy girl. 

THE PROMISE

big announcement to long time fans and everyone else in general(!) : I have made a promise. Yesterday I made a promise to myself and now to you, that before I leave to serve a mission (fingers crossed for papers in in february!) I will complete all my unfinished video projects. 

stop. did you read that?

ALL. OF. MY. VIDEOS. 

do you understand the magnitude of this? what this entails?! because it's a lot. this is no flippant passing remark, fam. 

I have the raw footage, basic idea, and songs chosen for 10+ videos. that's more videos than I've made in the last three years combined. I have all the material I need, I just need a solid hour or two (maybe more depending on the project) of pure, motivated focus to finish them. 

A few among the long lost projects are:

-a horror short titled "recovery"

-a highlight reel of my grandparents 50th anniversary

-a time lapse of me doing my makeup in the radio room and other random places from my senior year (there is over 6 hours of footage of this!)

-a highlight reel of a visit to the aquarium

-a highlight reel of my family trip to bear lake, feat. climbing the ice caves

and yes, the hotly anticipated:

-FINAL SIX INSTALLMENTS OF MY NEW YORK VLOGS

‼️

I told you this wasn't your grandmas promise. and as an added surprise, I will be finally uploading and posting all things "the classroom"! I have been told time and time again that they are already in some corner of the Internet but I have never been able to find them. So I will be doing what I should have a long time ago and uploading every thing I have. 

this includes:

-5+ season 2 promos

-'making of' behind the scenes clips

and 3+ episodes, one of which directed and edited by yours truly. 

SO YEAH THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL. HOLD ON TO YOUR LILLY WHITE BUTTS. 

THREE YEARS

here I am. me, Olivia.

three years ago today, on the first of December, I ended a relationship with this boy and it destroyed me. 

last year I wrote about it, like I was a Phoenix from the ashes. but that's not entirely true. I really felt what I said about being so much better and stronger than ever on my own, but it wasn't true and I just wanted it to be so. 

so here I am. admitting that it still hurts. I still cry sometimes. every once in a while he'll show up in one of my dreams. I'll run into his mom at the grocery store. a song on the radio will come on. and it still hurts. but that's okay. 

it's okay. I can't quite put into words how I feel about all of it, despite my best efforts. this post-mortem revelry is tradition now. and it's a tradition that teaches me so much of who I am and who I've been. 

after all of it I'm grateful. Grateful for who he was to me, and what he taught me about love and what I want out of a relationship. it helped me learn the things I'm willing to change for the person I love and the things I can't without compromising my sense of self. 

so here I am. me. Olivia. I told you last year I'd be here. and I am. I'll always be here, I'll always be me. with or without a boy to hold my hand and kiss my face and tell me I'm pretty. someday soon I'd like that, and when I do, I will be a better version of myself because of what this taught me. 

see you next time. 

the 8:30 train of thought

I just caught a train southbound and my train is no longer the 750 to Provo, it's the 8:30 train of thought. 

-I didn't pay my fare. the machine was out of order and I could see the trains headlights on the track and so I decided to take my chances and try to bum a free ride. if the attendee calls me out I'll just voluntarily pay online or something. What do they do to you if they catch you doing that anyway?

-Last night my basement flooded. there I am sitting on my couch watching Grey's Anatomy and it starts raining. on me. in my basement. I thought it was the apocalypse. Our washing machine is now dead. so earlier we had to take a trip to the laundromat. It felt very urban and made me reminiscent of my childhood. 

-that makes three of our appliances out of commission. 1. the oven 2. the vacuum 3. the washer. Heavenly Father is teaching me a lot about faith  right now. actually all the time. but especially this last month. 

-recent personal devastation: the boy whom I have had an adamant crush on for years, has recently entered a relationship with the girl who was his best friend.

-the day I found that out I drove up to my favorite park, laid in the grass, and cried. I watched the sunset and listened to my chill playlist. I was there for over an hour and a half. I was on a grassy hill overlooking the valley. I go to that park whenever I'm sad or need to be alone. I think it's my happy place.

-I have a tab in my phone with the weather where my family + favorite missionaries serve and it makes me feel just a little closer to them in a way.

1. Christchurch, New Zealand. Where my Nan and Gramps live. 

2. Melbourne, Australia. Where my Auntie + Cousins live. 

3. Cali, Columbia. Where my dearest Elder Jake Welch is currently serving. 

4. Bentonville, Arkansas. Where Elder Spencer Merryweather is serving the rest of his mission. He comes home in 27 days(!). It's actually true when they say that two years just flies by.

5. Tokyo, Japan. My bffffffle Elder Zach Tolen. 

6. Lima, Peru. Where Elder Tyler Edwards, my favorite and best filming colleague. we have won many awards together. we are the dream team. I used to have my weekly Tyler vines. 

- At the start of the summer Matt Taylor (my ex-boyfriends younger brother whom I am still very close with and love) went to bootcamp in San Diego (pronounced Ron Burgundy Style) for the Marines. He just got back the other week. He visited the high school and popped into one of Kate's classes and he mentioned to Kate that he'd love to stop by and visit me soon because I was a big support about joining the Marines and it meant a lot to him. Just hearing that made me cry little tears and love and pride for my proxy little brother. 

-Kate and Jane turned 18 and Kate finally got her drivers license. It's amazing you have no idea. Also while I was at the DMV with her we both registered to vote which I somehow neglected to do when I turned 18 and so now I feel just one step closer to functioning adulthood. 

-side note to the side notes: oh my goodness the people who are just getting out of ComicCon are boarding the train. I don't know if I want to aggressively avoid eye contact or invite some to sit with me. 

-I am currently taking a train home from my cousin Rachel's house because I did her hair and makeup for her Homecoming. she looks flawless I know thank you. 

(makeup before brows + lips were done)

I'm so glad she's going. She's a Junior and this is her first school dance. She has been brutally bullied this year and last. A few weeks ago some hoodrats fake asked her to homecoming as a joke. that's just sick. I'm so glad she got asked for real a few days later. 

-additional side note: now the girls just getting out of the Womens session of Conference are boarding the train. they are all beaming and in their Sunday dresses. the church is awesome. 

It's a Saturday night and I wish you a pleasant Sabbath and a stellar next week. On me. Be good.